you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
