You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
