dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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