There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
