did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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