Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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