$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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