Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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