The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
