Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
