he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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