In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
