just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We got so high we made milksteak
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
