It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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