My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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