Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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