I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i will never coherently bang her
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
