I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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