I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
