I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
