some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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