I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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