Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
