the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
