Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
