you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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