This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
