i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
