New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
