So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
