I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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