fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Randomize
