If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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