listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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