apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
