I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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