I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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