i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
