I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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