Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
