I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
