I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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