at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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