I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
