Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
