It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Randomize
