i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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