Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
