from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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