You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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