dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
