So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
